Self realization: I think I’m a slob

A meal from Cousin’s IV in Chicago, IL. Photo credit: http://cousinsiv.com/gallery.htm    

Just 24 hours into this whole raw/vegan detox program, I noticed an interesting thing happening. I was both satisfied and craving like a mother.

With each meal I had managed to get quite full, so in that sense I was satisfied. I was also more than satisfied with the flavor of all of the foods.

Yet, I couldn’t keep the thoughts of potato chips, handfuls of cheese, slices of toasted bread and many other things from almost quite literally flying around in my head. I’ve never been one of those vivid food dreamers.

I just usually wake up very hungry and proceed to eat with little interruption throughout the day. But by night fall of my very first full day (Monday) of eating all uncooked vegan food I was scared of closing my eyes because little hamburgers with wings kept teasing me.

 That’s actually what I saw with my mind’s eye. Honestly, I feel a bit guilty for this.

There I was, entirely full of food that I enjoyed thoroughly, yet all I could think of was “more” and “fatty” (foods, that is).

 It’s one thing to justify overeating by saying you need to “fuel” your workouts and things like that. Or to even slip up and gorge on junk food after going too long without eating.

But to realize that you just crave food because you’re a bit of a slob is a bit uncomfortable. I didn’t feel weak, hungry and wasn’t left with a bitter taste in my mouth. I just wanted to eat more of what I wanted because I wanted it.

Actual impoverished and hungry kids across the world probably get an extra pain in their tummies any time a person like me wastes food. And eating more than one needs is just another way of wasting food.

Is that it, I wonder? Am I just a pig?

Or perhaps a more complex way of looking at it; have I conditioned myself to overindulge so much that I don’t even know what real hunger is, what it can feel like?

I didn’t know what I was feeling that first day (and this has pretty much continued Tuesday and today). Was I hungry? No. My stomach was full.

So is what I have always thought of as “hunger” actually just some sort of psychological craving? Or am I in some way actually physically addicted to the fats, salts and sweets that I eat tons of?

It feels like a combination of both at this point. My mind reflexively tells me to reach out to that item in the fridge that I’m currently abstaining from and when I resist I actually feel something deeper in my body saying something’s missing.

Yet I’m not less energetic, in fact my throat is beginning to feel better from the bronchitis, so I don’t think I’m being undernourished meal per meal. I’ve also begun to do some minor exercising again.

I think I’ve realized something about myself. A big reason of why I eat most of the time I do is just because I eat. It’s something, or a main thing, that I do.

Maybe this is realization is healthy, maybe not. But I’m not sure I’m at ease with it. Will I enjoy food less if I look forward to it less greedily (and if you think the term “greedy” is harsh, you obviously haven’t seen me go through several plates of pasta in two and a half bites and 3 minutes)?

As always, if you’re new to the Blog, scroll down for the part preceding this entry. Tomorrow I’m going to start breaking down my days in more detail and with more simplicity. Ie. What do I weigh each morning? What do I eat? Have I fallen off in any way and how? You know, the good stuff of personal failing and lack of discipline.

God Bless,

-Elias